On another forum I follow folks post some daily humor and I have found it is addicting to read. Maybe we could do the same and try and keep it clean with no politics (unless it is just for the humor) or religion so no one gets offended.
Today's post was:
Where ya from Fred?
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied:
"The balcony"
dashboard said
Sep 1, 2015
Leads truth to the old expression; It's not always what you first think. Thanks JH.
Jon H said
Sep 1, 2015
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. “So tell me..why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 1, 2015
Hmmmm....maybe George should meet Caitlyn...
Jon H said
Sep 2, 2015
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
dashboard said
Sep 3, 2015
An Government agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Never overplay your hand.
Jon H said
Sep 4, 2015
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died.” The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the
chest.” The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the
waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the two fellow that arrived here just before you.”
“I don’t know” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m buck naked hiding in this cedar chest…………………………….”
Derek69SS said
Sep 4, 2015
hahaha... I thought with the internet I had seen every joke, but there's a couple new ones to me in here.
Chris R said
Sep 4, 2015
I think we should sticky this thread and if anyone ever has a good joke thats suitable for the sensors to share. Post it up. I dont have any jokes that are original to anyone.
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 4, 2015
Jon H wrote:
“I don’t know” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m buck naked hiding in this cedar chest…………………………….”
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 4, 2015
Chris R wrote:
I think we should sticky this thread and if anyone ever has a good joke thats suitable for the sensors to share. Post it up. I dont have any jokes that are original to anyone.
I don't have any jokes that are suitable for all ages...
Did you hear about the 3 nuns that got hit at a train crossing and died ????
Chris R said
Sep 5, 2015
Lost in the 60s wrote:
Chris R wrote:
I think we should sticky this thread and if anyone ever has a good joke thats suitable for the sensors to share. Post it up. I dont have any jokes that are original to anyone.
I don't have any jokes that are suitable for all ages...
Did you hear about the 3 nuns that got hit at a train crossing and died ????
Well. We are all mature adults here.
And all play along...No I didnt hear about that.
Jon H said
Sep 5, 2015
And now for all those young ones starting school this week....
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”.
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie “Well, did you find it?”
Eddie is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 6, 2015
3 nuns are going to an event and fail to stop at a train crossing. Their car is hit and all 3 die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter expresses his regrets that they are early to heaven. The 3 nuns thank him and ask to go in. St Peter says even though they have dedicated their lives to God, he still is required to ask EVERYONE a question before they can enter. He said "This shouldn't difficult for any of you, since you know all about the bible".
He turns to the first one and asks; "What was the name of first man on earth" ?
The nun say's "oh, that's easy, Adam". St. Peter reply's; "You are correct, come on in".
He turns to the second nun. "What was the name of the first woman on earth ?
The nun reply's, "Oh that's easy too, it was Eve.
St. Peter reply's; "You are correct, come on in".
Finally he looks at the third nun and asks; "What is the first thing Eve said to Adam ?
The nun stood there perplexed for a few moments and finally said; "WOW, that's a hard one".........
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 7, 2015
After being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from the Twin Cities Airport, the Purser (the senior on the cabin crew) nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service...
I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, he continued.., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our six hour flight."
His next announcement came three hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
-- Edited by Lost in the 60s on Monday 7th of September 2015 08:40:37 AM
Chris R said
Sep 7, 2015
Lost in the 60s wrote:
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, “Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”
Hate to ruin your joke Mitch. Kevin posted that one already about 6 replies down.
Chris R said
Sep 8, 2015
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But i've always wanted to.
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 - never be arrogant. 2 - don't waste ammunition. 3 - whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Jon H said
Sep 10, 2015
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
Jon H said
Sep 14, 2015
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage, created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied.
"Go look in the garage."
cooz65 said
Sep 17, 2015
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, & refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 17, 2015
......
Jon H said
Sep 21, 2015
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
Jon H said
Oct 8, 2015
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out “Are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Its Gary, and I’m Okay thanks,” I replied.
“Gary, forget your troubles, come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive… I was weak.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed and added “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a restorative brandy and some creative putting lessons I thanked my host. “I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”
“Don’t be silly” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart” I said….
Lost in the 60s said
Oct 9, 2015
SShink said
Oct 9, 2015
Lost in the 60s wrote:
Ewwwwww!
Lost in the 60s said
Oct 9, 2015
Jon H said
Oct 9, 2015
Lost in the 60s wrote:
That is way too close to home!
Lost in the 60s said
Oct 10, 2015
Jon H wrote:
That is way too close to home!
No, I've never been to Rome...
Lost in the 60s said
Oct 10, 2015
SShink said
Oct 11, 2015
A little bit long to read... but worth it.
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."...
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
John D said
Oct 16, 2015
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table--but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué, and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
Jon H said
Oct 24, 2015
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the Private First Class to finish brewing the coffee, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
John D said
Nov 21, 2015
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story in her own words:"While out walking along the edge of a pond along the Pelican Bay berm with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"
Jon H said
Nov 22, 2015
Chris R said
Nov 22, 2015
Her Husband Wanted To Be Buried With His Fortune, Then She Left Him This
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
Jon H said
Nov 29, 2015
Jon H said
Dec 1, 2015
A Word About Drinking and Driving as the Holidays Approach
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social activities over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock, but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and I am not sure where I got it.
SShink said
Dec 8, 2015
A senior citizen from Rolla, Mo. drove his brand new Corvette Stingray convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on ramp to east I-44, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-44, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Patrol behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 120, then 150. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Mo State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the Trooper.
Lost in the 60s said
Dec 9, 2015
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole and says,
'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor
and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust
den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on!
We ain't finished yet!'The doctor den held up a little girl..
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!
She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy
and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children
home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked Lena ,
'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and
you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!
It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.'
Jon H said
Dec 11, 2015
News: School in Arkansas lets teachers carry concealed weapons.
Now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.
Jon H said
Dec 12, 2015
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb."
"I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth honey, and show the doctor."
Jon H said
Dec 15, 2015
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
ron fuller said
Dec 18, 2015
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two *******s.'
'What? He had two *******s?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two *******s.'
ron fuller said
Dec 18, 2015
Aholes got censored out
Chris R said
Dec 25, 2015
This post seemed like the only logical place to put this.
dashboard said
Dec 28, 2015
An elderly group discussing ailments.....
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee. "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"That's the price we pay for being old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one elderly lady cheerfully,
"Thank God we can all still drive."
Jon H said
Dec 28, 2015
So you haven driven in Arizona!! I think AZ DOT has s site near the border that all turn signals are deactivated while driving in the state. I was at a Walgreens several years ago and watched an elderly lady back out of a parking spot without turning her head, just backed up until she hit something and then used the brail method to keep negotiating through the parking lot. Sure felt a whole lot safer when she was back on the street at 40 mph going the opposite direction I was.
I do have to say that there is nowhere in the US that has dumb azz left lane drivers like Minnesota though.
On another forum I follow folks post some daily humor and I have found it is addicting to read. Maybe we could do the same and try and keep it clean with no politics (unless it is just for the humor) or religion so no one gets offended.
Today's post was:
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied:
"The balcony"
So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. “So tell me..why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Hmmmm....maybe George should meet Caitlyn...
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Never overplay your hand.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died.” The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the
chest.” The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the
waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the two fellow that arrived here just before you.”
“I don’t know” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m buck naked hiding in this cedar chest…………………………….”
hahaha... I thought with the internet I had seen every joke, but there's a couple new ones to me in here.
I think we should sticky this thread and if anyone ever has a good joke thats suitable for the sensors to share. Post it up. I dont have any jokes that are original to anyone.
I don't have any jokes that are suitable for all ages...
Did you hear about the 3 nuns that got hit at a train crossing and died ????
Well. We are all mature adults here.
And all play along...No I didnt hear about that.
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.
Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.
The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Norman looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way.
Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”.
Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Eddie “Well, did you find it?”
Eddie is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”
St. Peter expresses his regrets that they are early to heaven. The 3 nuns thank him and ask to go in. St Peter says even though they have dedicated their lives to God, he still is required to ask EVERYONE a question before they can enter. He said "This shouldn't difficult for any of you, since you know all about the bible".
He turns to the first one and asks; "What was the name of first man on earth" ?
The nun say's "oh, that's easy, Adam". St. Peter reply's; "You are correct, come on in".
He turns to the second nun. "What was the name of the first woman on earth ?
The nun reply's, "Oh that's easy too, it was Eve.
St. Peter reply's; "You are correct, come on in".
Finally he looks at the third nun and asks; "What is the first thing Eve said to Adam ?
The nun stood there perplexed for a few moments and finally said; "WOW, that's a hard one".........
After being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from the Twin Cities Airport, the Purser (the senior on the cabin crew) nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our airport catering service...
I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, he continued.., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our six hour flight."
His next announcement came three hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
-- Edited by Lost in the 60s on Monday 7th of September 2015 08:40:37 AM
Hate to ruin your joke Mitch. Kevin posted that one already about 6 replies down.
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But i've always wanted to.
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 - never be arrogant.
2 - don't waste ammunition.
3 - whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage, created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied.
"Go look in the garage."
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer
consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was observed that 100% of the men
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive,
failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, & refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out “Are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Its Gary, and I’m Okay thanks,” I replied.
“Gary, forget your troubles, come to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive… I was weak.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed and added “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a restorative brandy and some creative putting lessons I thanked my host. “I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”
“Don’t be silly” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart” I said….
Ewwwwww!
That is way too close to home!
No, I've never been to Rome...
A little bit long to read... but worth it.
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."...
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
A man and a woman were having
a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at
each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another
order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the
woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table--but
the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the
woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under
the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué, and worried that it might offend
other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began
by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I
think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said:
"No, she didn't. She just walked in."
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the Private First Class to finish brewing the coffee, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story in her own words:"While out walking along the edge of a pond along the Pelican Bay berm with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible!"
Her Husband Wanted To Be Buried With His Fortune, Then She Left Him This
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social activities over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock, but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and I am not sure where I got it.
A senior citizen from Rolla, Mo. drove his brand new Corvette Stingray convertible out of the dealership. Taking the on ramp to east I-44, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-44, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Patrol behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 120, then 150. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Mo State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the Trooper.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole and says,
'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor
and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust
den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on!
We ain't finished yet!'The doctor den held up a little girl..
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!
She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy
and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children
home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked Lena ,
'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and
you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!
It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40.'
Now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.
"I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth honey, and show the doctor."
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me”, she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again,” I said, “I really don’t know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two *******s.'
'What? He had two *******s?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two *******s.'
This post seemed like the only logical place to put this.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee. "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"That's the price we pay for being old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one elderly lady cheerfully,
"Thank God we can all still drive."
I do have to say that there is nowhere in the US that has dumb azz left lane drivers like Minnesota though.