Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this date…
Jon H said
Feb 16, 2016
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk).
The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”
The man agreed.
After the first 3 years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied.
The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”.
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.
The abbot ordered his robe be washed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Bed hard!“. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.
“Well,” the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!“
Lost in the 60s said
Mar 6, 2016
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Wisconsin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage THIS TIME?
Jon H said
Mar 10, 2016
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastiage! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??" The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started."
BLyke said
Mar 13, 2016
I have a friend who i think is becoming addicted to brake fluid... but he insist he can stop anytime he wants.
dashboard said
Mar 13, 2016
Those of you who
worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real
problem.
In a Purdue University
classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the
United States.
It was pretty
simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of
age.
However, one girl
in the class immediately started in on how unfair it was of the requirement to
be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement
prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was
taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she
wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any
more qualified to lead this country than one born by
C-section?"
We really are in trouble...
Lost in the 60s said
Mar 27, 2016
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect," so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. When I married Miss Right, I had NO IDEA her first name was Always.
Lost in the 60s said
Apr 26, 2016
Lost in the 60s said
May 2, 2016
Four Old Retired Geezers
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar- ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been here.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Minnesota.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price !!
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want. And with that, he left As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are Steelhead Trout in this river?”
Lost in the 60s said
Mar 13, 2017
Guess I'll never be politically correct!
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance with a face like that'!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was "where do women have the curliest hair"? Fiji was the correct answer... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country !
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but p!$$ing everyone off is a piece of cake...
-- Edited by Lost in the 60s on Monday 13th of March 2017 02:28:36 PM
-- Edited by 67ss on Tuesday 14th of March 2017 12:07:04 PM
Lost in the 60s said
Apr 24, 2017
Ole a farmer in Minnesota needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota.
That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.
Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din'tyah?"
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah now?"
Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."
John D said
Apr 25, 2017
That one's good... on the edge for our "family friendly" board however.
Lost in the 60s said
Apr 25, 2017
John D wrote:
That one's good... on the edge for our "family friendly" board however.
I think Jimmy meant his wife told him about the cows... ;-)
Lost in the 60s said
May 1, 2017
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston.
The lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,
But it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
And unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat
Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Lost in the 60s said
May 1, 2017
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.”
If you’re in Denny’s
and it’s your birthday,
your life sucks!
Jon H said
May 27, 2017
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
Wow, the social worker exclaims, are they all yours?
They're all mine, the flustered mamma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, sit down Terry, all the children rush to find seats.
Well, says the social worker, you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.
To keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri.
In disbelief, the case worker says, are you serious, they're all named Terry?
Their mamma replies, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry! When it's time for dinner, I just yell Terry and they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who's running into the street I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all Terry.
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?
Then I call them by their last names.
Dave Seitz said
May 28, 2017
Years ago I was at a business seminar and walked by one room listing the following events. No you can't make this **** up.
IRS can be your friend in business.
Government agencies here to help your business
No red tape to unravel with OSHA
Can't remember the others but attendance looked lite for those seminars.
I just keep thinking back to what Ronald Regan said. No scarier words than "I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
Jon H said
Jun 1, 2017
A mechanical engineer died, and on Judgement Day was sent down to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One-day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
John D said
Jun 3, 2017
This kid will be a success don't you think? I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
*Wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Jon H said
Jun 4, 2017
Now that is a Mr. Wizard exam.
Jon H said
Aug 2, 2017
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show –
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Lost in the 60s said
Aug 3, 2017
Jon H said
Aug 9, 2017
NORWEGIAN LOGIC
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.
One week later, a local newspaper in Minneapolis, Minnesota reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Bloomington,
Ole Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to be from Minnesota!
cooz65 said
Aug 12, 2017
The Wedding Text
A father texts his son: "My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father."
His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men…
Lost in the 60s said
Oct 6, 2017
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
I always wondered how this trend got started; now I know!
Lost in the 60s said
Nov 1, 2017
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
John D said
Jan 5, 2018
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend.
They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the girls, with the big..., and the tight shorts." "OK".
Ten years later at 40 they play...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games". "OK".
Ten years later at 50...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking". "OK".
At 60...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price". "OK".
At 70...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door". "OK".
And 80...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "We've never been there before".
Chris R said
Jan 25, 2018
Guy walked in a nice restaurant in Texas. The hostess said wait a minute you need a tie to come in here. So he went to his vehicle and looked in his emergency kit and pulled out a set of jumper cables and wrapped them around his neck like a bolo tie and walked back in. She then said...
You can come in but don’t you start anything.
Lost in the 60s said
Jun 12, 2018
There is a chance that some of us will be getting married again one day, you never know ..........
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 83 and Mariam, age 82), living in 'The Villages' in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore and they decide go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
SShink said
Sep 13, 2018
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 29, 2018
A blonde GUY joke none the less.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
Lost in the 60s said
Dec 8, 2018
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.
Lost in the 60s said
Dec 15, 2018
Derek69SS said
Dec 17, 2018
A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to it."
John D said
Feb 3, 2019
One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Hotrod in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the workbench watching him, After a long period of silence she finally said
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage"
Bob stopped working on the car, and just stared at her in disbelief.
"Yes" she continued, "You probably should consider selling your Hotrod, your tools, and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time and money".
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?
He replied, "You are really starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted , “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !”
Bob replied, “I wasn't...”
Lost in the 60s said
Apr 25, 2019
The 3rd strain of the Nile virus is coming.
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1958.
Virus Symptoms
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
It's called the C-Nile virus!
John D said
Nov 27, 2019
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to back to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".
The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 2, 2020
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
Larry Lucast said
Sep 3, 2020
It is about time someone started posting here again.
cooz65 said
Sep 25, 2020
The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a ****load of firewood'
Lost in the 60s said
Sep 25, 2020
I've seen this one before, but it's always good to be reminded...
John D said
Oct 11, 2020
Take it or leave it. The Technology is impressive, but the cost(s) don't outweigh the benefits IMO.
Guy picks up a genie bottle on the beach. Rubs it… sure enough a genie pops out.
“I will grant you any wish you want” says the genie.
Man: “Don’t I get three wishes?”
Genie: “No: that’s just in Hollywood. One wish.”
“Well, then, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but am deathly afraid of planes and boats. So, I want a highway from LA to Hawaii.”
Genie: “A highway to Hawaii??? You have got to be freakin kidding me. Do you have any idea of the logistics involved? What about shipping lanes? Is there anything else I can give you instead?”
Man: “OK, I will let you off the hook if you can tell me how a woman’s mind works.”
Genie: “Two lane or four?”
Jon H said
Apr 28, 2021
Brad lives in California..... He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could.
He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this date…
The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”
The man agreed.
After the first 3 years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied.
The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”.
“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.
The abbot ordered his robe be washed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Bed hard!“. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.
Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.
“Well,” the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!“
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Wisconsin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park...."Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the snowplow can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied... "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage THIS TIME?
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastiage! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??" The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started."
I have a friend who i think is becoming addicted to brake fluid... but he insist he can stop anytime he wants.
worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real
problem.
In a Purdue University
classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the
United States.
It was pretty
simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of
age.
However, one girl
in the class immediately started in on how unfair it was of the requirement to
be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement
prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was
taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she
wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any
more qualified to lead this country than one born by
C-section?"
We really are in trouble...
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect," so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
When I married Miss Right, I had NO IDEA her first name was Always.
Four Old Retired Geezers
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar- ALL
drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been here.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Minnesota.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price !!
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river
holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them,
taps them on the shoulder and says,
“Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,”
said the Game Warden.
“But officer,”
replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing.
We all have magnets at the end of our lines
and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and,
sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden.
“Take all the debris you want.
And with that, he left
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight,
the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
“What a dumb Fish Cop,”
the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are Steelhead Trout in this river?”
Guess I'll never be politically correct!
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance with a face like that'!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was "where do women have the curliest hair"? Fiji was the correct answer... hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country !
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but p!$$ing everyone off is a piece of cake...
-- Edited by Lost in the 60s on Monday 13th of March 2017 02:28:36 PM
-- Edited by 67ss on Tuesday 14th of March 2017 12:07:04 PM
Ole a farmer in Minnesota needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota.
That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit
and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.
Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din'tyah?"
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah now?"
Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."
I think Jimmy meant his wife told him about the cows... ;-)
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston.
The lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,
But it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
And unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat
Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.”
If you’re in Denny’s
and it’s your birthday,
your life sucks!
Wow, the social worker exclaims, are they all yours?
They're all mine, the flustered mamma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, sit down Terry, all the children rush to find seats.
Well, says the social worker, you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.
To keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri.
In disbelief, the case worker says, are you serious, they're all named Terry?
Their mamma replies, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry! When it's time for dinner, I just yell Terry and they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who's running into the street I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all Terry.
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?
Then I call them by their last names.
IRS can be your friend in business.
Government agencies here to help your business
No red tape to unravel with OSHA
Can't remember the others but attendance looked lite for those seminars.
I just keep thinking back to what Ronald Regan said. No scarier words than "I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
A mechanical engineer died, and on Judgement Day was sent down to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One-day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
This kid will be a success don't you think? I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
*Marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
*Wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Now that is a Mr. Wizard exam.
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show –
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.
One week later, a local newspaper in Minneapolis, Minnesota reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Bloomington,
Ole Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless."
Just makes a person proud to be from Minnesota!
A father texts his son: "My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father."
His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies: "I know."
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• to find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men…
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
I always wondered how this trend got started; now I know!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend.
They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the girls, with the big..., and the tight shorts." "OK".
Ten years later at 40 they play...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games". "OK".
Ten years later at 50...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking". "OK".
At 60...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price". "OK".
At 70...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door". "OK".
And 80...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "We've never been there before".
Guy walked in a nice restaurant in Texas. The hostess said wait a minute you need a tie to come in here. So he went to his vehicle and looked in his emergency kit and pulled out a set of jumper cables and wrapped them around his neck like a bolo tie and walked back in. She then said...
You can come in but don’t you start anything.
There is a chance that some of us will be getting married again one day, you never know ..........
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 83 and Mariam, age 82), living
in 'The Villages' in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married
They
go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore and they decide go in.
Jacob
addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The
pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob:
"We're about to get married Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist:
"Of course we do."
Jacob:
"How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist:
"All kinds."
Jacob:
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist:
"Definitely."
Jacob:
"How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist:
"You bet!"
Jacob:
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist:
"Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob:
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist:
"Absolutely."
Jacob:
"Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist:
"We sure do."
Jacob:
"You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist:
"All speeds and sizes."
Jacob:
"Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist:
"Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
A blonde GUY joke none the less.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to it."
His new wife was standing there by the workbench watching him, After a long period of silence she finally said
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage"
Bob stopped working on the car, and just stared at her in disbelief.
"Yes" she continued, "You probably should consider selling your Hotrod, your tools, and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time and money".
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?
He replied, "You are really starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted , “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !”
Bob replied, “I wasn't...”
The 3rd strain of the Nile virus is coming.
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1958.
Virus Symptoms
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
It's called the C-Nile virus!
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to back to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".
The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a ****load of firewood'
I've seen this one before, but it's always good to be reminded...
Take it or leave it. The Technology is impressive, but the cost(s) don't outweigh the benefits IMO.
Don't count your chickens...
Guy picks up a genie bottle on the beach. Rubs it… sure enough a genie pops out.
“I will grant you any wish you want” says the genie.
Man: “Don’t I get three wishes?”
Genie: “No: that’s just in Hollywood. One wish.”
“Well, then, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but am deathly afraid of planes and boats. So, I want a highway from LA to Hawaii.”
Genie: “A highway to Hawaii??? You have got to be freakin kidding me. Do you have any idea of the logistics involved? What about shipping lanes? Is there anything else I can give you instead?”
Man: “OK, I will let you off the hook if you can tell me how a woman’s mind works.”
Genie: “Two lane or four?”
Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could.
He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.